Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Careers advice to students.

Having an honours degree from a London university, a brain the size of a small planet, exceptional talent, the requisite average number of body parts and virtual fame, I spent today shoveling horse shit.

Now, earthworms may well have raised altars in underground temples in my name, so it is a long, long way from the stupidest things employers have asked me to do (the details of which are buried in the Freudian depths of a traumatised unconscious, my Ego screaming “you did THAT for money?”) it left 99.999999% of my brain free to ponder my career experience.

It may shock some of you to know that I am, in fact, not 2.5 years old and that I lie about my age on every website I visit, for two good reasons: a) my attitude is “I’m alive what more do you need to know” and b) I harbour a secret desire to find two pieces of junk mail on my doorstep on the same day, one offering me incontinence pants and the other a student loan (well, it’s good to have achievable goals in life).

So, being a little older than I look I feel it my duty and pleasure to give back to the community by sharing some careers advice.
Please stay with me, there is an inherent logic to this process. It starts with the supposition, based on observation, that all middle management bosses are David Brent, some disguise it better than others. Those of you who don’t know David Brent are lost.

Now, no boss wants an employee to be better dressed or more competent than they are, this is difficult to hide, but given practice it is achievable. It is difficult, however to hide your underlying intelligence....for example... if a car is thundering towards you at 100 m.p.h. and you jump out of the way you will be exposed. Your boss, in that situation, would expect you to call a meeting or write a memo. Spontaneous intelligence is frowned on in the work place.

So, while you are young and underpaid, it is possible to blend in with the furniture. Over the age of 40 (currently) or 30 (predicted) it will be more convenient for your boss to employ a 20 year old. I do know people who have kept their jobs longer than that by dressing very badly, but is it worth it? continue... after college or university you are likely to have a 10 year long career followed by 30 years of shoveling horse shit.

Bearing this in mind it is better to build up your strength at college than it is to get brainy, so make sure you spend all your time having sex rather than going to class. Do lots of arm exercises and strengthen your wrists, (wheelbarrows don’t drive themselves, you know). It will be better for you in the long run.



  1. Well I hope that you washed your hands
    Although somehow that smell is intoxicating


    PS I have no idea how NOT to post as "Anonymous". While I appreciate the discretion, I would enjoy seeing my picture posted. Pls tell me if/how this is possible?


    go to the above address and read it all....


  3. Brilliant!
    This reads like Mary Schmich without the sunscreen.

  4. thanks Simon I like to be of use....and hopefully as authoritative as Mary...